Lost

Today I ran.... It was not health that sent me out. It was not sport that drove me then. Anger sent me to the streets. Anger at God Anger at myself Anger at the world Pure anger. Grief sent me down the road. Grief for my baby. Grief for myself. Pure grief. Blinded with the pain of losing another child...this time at 16 weeks. We went to the doctor and there was no heartbeat at 12 weeks. Clay went off to OK, while I stayed home. We were both in such agreement that this was simply a test and God would raise our child back to life. We had been studying Mary and Zachariah's responses to the angel's news. One stood in faith-sight unseen, the other wanted a sign-then believed. For three weeks, on my own I stood on God's word. For three weeks, "did not consider the deadness of [my] womb" but believed in LIFE. Today we got the report that the baby continued to measure 11 weeks...no heartbeat. It was 101* today but I did not care. I was outrunning demons, outrunning reports, outrunning myself, my emotions, my dead womb. I couldn't do anything more to "hurt" this child and so I ran to spend my energy. I ran to spend my anger. I ran to avoid my grief. When I reached the end of my rope, I RAN. UPDATE: The next day, June 26th, 2010 I delivered a perfectly formed little boy. We named him Wyatt Alexander.